The Church of Tell It Like It Is

Posts tagged ‘Motherhood’

75% of My Time Spent on Mate Hunting

Hi! My name is Martyra Breed and I wanted to let everyone know that I followed Princeton graduate Susan Patton’s advice LONG ago and I’m SO glad that I did. Because I spent 75% of my college days looking for that perfect, sperm-dumping, college yuppie, my life has just FLOURISHED. For starters, after getting pregnant at 19, I wasn’t even able to finish college ! That’s right! I had to drop out to take care of that Ivy League offspring that Mr. Yuppie only met twice in his entire life! After all, Mr. Yuppie’s education and social mobility is FAR more important than a MERE breeder’s like myself! That’s what we females are here for – to BREED YUPPIE IVY LEAGUE OFFSPRING!!!!!! Anyway, after having to drop out of college to take care of my Ivy League Offspring, I got a part time job at the B Dalton college bookstore to support myself and my child (Mr. Yuppie just bailed and went off to graduate school with some chick from the LaCrosse team, leaving us to fend for ourselves. Oh well! Stuff Happens! ) But I’m SO glad I BRED when I did, because you know, us females, we have to be young in order to breed. So anyway, I met this professor while working at the book store, and within two years, I was knocked up again with twins. Yup! He was SO happy! And me too! I mean the C-section only gave me a four inch deep gap with permanent scaring for life, and I haven’t slept for more than 2 hours per night since, but if it wasn’t for Susan Patton’s advice, I don’t think I could have ever been THAT HAPPY!!! So when the professor dumped me for one of his students 8 years later, and I still hadn’t finished college and was on welfare trying to support my three kids, I had Susan Patton to think of. Now all three of my kids are in prison, my third husband left me for a college freshman (he’s 52) and I’m still trying to get my Associate’s degree at Mercer County Community College at night while I work at Dunkin’ Donuts in the day. I still think of that stellar advice that Susan Patton gives, and how thankful I am that I spent 75% of my college years focusing on becoming some man’s sperm dumping receptacle while he went on to monetary success and younger, softer pussy once mine was all torn up and stretched out, while I sacrificed my career, education and body like the good, stepping-stone, leaning-post that all great martyrs should.  Thank you Susan Patton for keeping this commendable form of martyrdom alive and well. And so it is. Amen.

 

 

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“I’m Messed Up, You’re Messed Up – Let’s Breed!”

God help us all. Used to think only low-class, dirt-bag types were the ones to participate in unprotected sex yielding unnecessary procreation. Then I read the latest article about Charlie Sheen wanting to have his $55,000 a month child support payments ceased.  Now, I’ve been called “crazy” a zillion times (thank you!) but please, God in Heaven, express to me why anyone with even a half a brain cell would give someone like Charlie Sheen that kind of money to begin with….because I just don’t get it. There’s a few other things I don’t get either (but remember….I’m “crazy” by some people’s standards….again, Thanks!). Why would anybody procreate? I mean, have they lived in this world? Now, I don’t want to come off as judgmental or anything. I mean, it’s not like ANYBODY has EVER judged me for NOT WANTING TO PUT MORE PEOPLE ON AN ALREADY OVERPOPULATED PLANET WHERE WE CAN’T EVEN TAKE CARE OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY HERE POST-WOMB. NAH. It’s not like ANYBODY has ever said to me, “oh what do YOU know about ANYTHING….YOU”VE never had KIDS”, or, “well the reason she looks good is because SHE NEVER HAD KIDS !!!!!!” (as they spit in my face and the rage wrinkles up their already sleep-deprived visage) or they FIRE  me from job(s) (plural) as the photos of their ALCOHOL-FETAL OFFSPRING sit calmly on their desks while I leave the office followed by security as I quickly make my way to the airport in hopes of catching the plane that will allow me to witness the last breaths of my dying parent. Don’t get me started on what the government has taken out in taxes in my CHILDLESS earnings. I mean, FAR BE IT FROM ME to JUDGE ANYONE who CHOOSES to BREED. (Whoopsie…..that “crazy”-ness is coming out yet again!) Here’s another QUESTION I’d like to ponder God in Heaven.….Who…..in their functioning right mind….would pay money or go to see a has-been like DON DOKKEN at some blue-collar hole-in-the-wall and then write a review on it like anybody who is not stuck in 1988 really cares?  ANSWER (From God in Heaven): “A Messsed Up BREEDER who has a lame life and who never left low class New Jersey and it’s a Big Deal for that person to try to impress people who do nothing better than drink alcohol and breed”. (Me again) OH! Duh! I forgot all about that. It’s been so long since I’ve been back there. By the way…..THANK YOU GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!  PRAISE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMEN! AMEN! PRAISE GOD !!!!!  Peace and Blessings.

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