Oh Boo Hoo…… Emotionally trapped-in-the-1980’s, Guns-N-Roses guitarist Slash and his soon-to-be ex-wife are getting a divorce. Could her boobs look any more ridiculous? Proportion distortion is her calling card (I guess)….that’s what keeps males who are trapped in infancy and the seventh grade mind set interested (“duh!!! BIG BOOBS! Can’t wait to blow a load!”)…even if the males ARE WELL OVER AGE 45. And to top it off, while kids are starving in Syria, these high school drop out, alcoholic morons, “boobs are my LIFE!” types REPRODUCED (nice! more fuck-ups coming down the pike in the next 20 years!)….and….have millions to fight over. Yippie! God Bless America. Amen.
Attention World! There is a serious epidemic corroding the planet that is more severe, more aggressive, and yes, even more detrimental than the Ebola virus itself. This horrible disease has been plaguing folks for centuries and it seems, especially as of late, that it has become even more HORRIFIC in its latest mutation. The disease I refer to is none other than STUPID ENTITLED WHITE MALE MENTALITY. In its current strain, it insults the collective cerebral system in an extreme form. Advanced medical communities have termed the latest strain of this deadly mutation (this particular one, research has shown, began in Israel, developed in New York City and surrounding boroughs, mutated west, ending up in California) GENE SIMMONS. Warning Signs of this Disease Include (But are not limited to): 1. Extreme Condescending Presentation of Common Sense That Members of Opposite Genders Have Already Implemented (Though Presenter Thinks It Is a New Concept and Presents As Such in an Attempt to Sound Wise) 2. Fuzzy Disturbing Growth on Top of Head That Looks Like Stale Cotton Candy Dyed Black 3. Random Semen Dumping and Inability To Clean Up Consequences of Such Dumping 4. Countless Plastic Surgeries That Defeat the Purpose of Having Plastic Surgery in the First Place 5. Emitting Antiquated Wisdom Consistent With That of a 1950’s Paradigm for Self Promotion 6. Taking Up Expensive Air Time And Wasting Paper and Natural Resources with Its Creations in Audio, Video, and Print Form People…..get SPAYED and NEUTERED immediately so that the risk of this DISEASE is minimized to ZERO. (Ladies….100 pound weight gain,twenty seven hours of excruciating labor, vaginal mutilation through childbirth, postpartum, vomiting every morning, no sleep at night….all that WORK and the END RESULT could be another GENE SIMMONS in the next 67 years…..I implore you all….GET SPAYED and NEUTERED NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! And so it is. Amen.
Thank you SHARON OSBOURNE for keepin’ it REAL with your latest rant about reality TV singing competitions! UGH! I am SO sick of reality TV singing contests! So boring! So OVER DONE! Speaking of over done…..there’s a NEW REALITY TV SERIES in development now that has a somewhat REFRESHING angle. Instead of American Idol, or America’s Got Talent, or The Voice, this NEW reality show is called THE CLOWN and it focuses on the complexion. You read it right….THE COMPLEXION. The new show, THE CLOWN wants to see if its contestants can really pull the wool over the general public’s eyes. It seeks out some of the most over exposed “talent” that hasn’t had a hit song in over ten years, and has that “talent” compete for the BIG WIN. Ultimately, the “talent” tries to make the general public think that they’re STILL REALLY HIP and RELEVANT, although they’re close to 50 years old and still dress like the discount rack at Hot Topic. The pilot show will feature two of the BIGGEST STARS of the 1990’s – Gwen Stefani and Dave Navarro. Dave and Gwen, who both look REALLY GREAT FOR THEIR AGE (and want EVERYONE TO KNOW IT GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!) will compete in a series of mini-competitions. The total average scores of these mini-competitions will determine the ultimate WINNER. Mini-competitions will include:
1) Layers of Concealer and Foundation on the Face: Each contestant will turn a corner. The layer of thickness of the foundation that can be seen coming around the corner BEFORE the actual face, will be measured. Whoever has a thicker layer of concealer or foundation wins.
2) The Best Abs: Contestants will lay on the floor with their abdominal muscles exposed. A quarter will be bounced off of the contestants abs. Whoever’s quarter bounces the highest wins.
3) Greatest Dye Job: Contestants will have a clump of their heavily dyed hair measured for amount of treatment and processing in the hair. If there is absolutely NO gray detected, the contestant will receive extra bonus points (remember: contestants MUST be 5 or 6 years away from 50 years old AND have been REALLY POPULAR in 1995)
and last but not least…..
4) Reading Off of the Teleprompter: Contestants will read a heavily scripted prompt that’s written at a sixth grade reading level, with lots of cliche phrases like – “he’s the king of hip hop” and “she’s really rad!” (and other such phrases used by junior high students from the 1990’s). The contestant who can actually pronounce all the words correctly AND sound like they have an IQ above 4, will gain the most points.
And the BEST part?!?! ABSOLUTELY NO SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Although they may play some Jane’s Addiction and/or No Doubt teasers in and out of commercial breaks….only TIME WILL TELL!)
Gosh, I’m SO EXCITED! Can’t wait! Wonder who will WIN?!? (the prize will be ONE TOUR BUS filled with Estee Lauder’s Snow White foundation – because none of these people use the color of their natural skin tone anyway…and a free day pass to the circus) And so it is! AMEN!