Thank you SHARON OSBOURNE for keepin’ it REAL with your latest rant about reality TV singing competitions! UGH! I am SO sick of reality TV singing contests! So boring! So OVER DONE! Speaking of over done…..there’s a NEW REALITY TV SERIES in development now that has a somewhat REFRESHING angle. Instead of American Idol, or America’s Got Talent, or The Voice, this NEW reality show is called THE CLOWN and it focuses on the complexion. You read it right….THE COMPLEXION. The new show, THE CLOWN wants to see if its contestants can really pull the wool over the general public’s eyes. It seeks out some of the most over exposed “talent” that hasn’t had a hit song in over ten years, and has that “talent” compete for the BIG WIN. Ultimately, the “talent” tries to make the general public think that they’re STILL REALLY HIP and RELEVANT, although they’re close to 50 years old and still dress like the discount rack at Hot Topic. The pilot show will feature two of the BIGGEST STARS of the 1990’s – Gwen Stefani and Dave Navarro. Dave and Gwen, who both look REALLY GREAT FOR THEIR AGE (and want EVERYONE TO KNOW IT GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!) will compete in a series of mini-competitions. The total average scores of these mini-competitions will determine the ultimate WINNER. Mini-competitions will include:
1) Layers of Concealer and Foundation on the Face: Each contestant will turn a corner. The layer of thickness of the foundation that can be seen coming around the corner BEFORE the actual face, will be measured. Whoever has a thicker layer of concealer or foundation wins.
2) The Best Abs: Contestants will lay on the floor with their abdominal muscles exposed. A quarter will be bounced off of the contestants abs. Whoever’s quarter bounces the highest wins.
3) Greatest Dye Job: Contestants will have a clump of their heavily dyed hair measured for amount of treatment and processing in the hair. If there is absolutely NO gray detected, the contestant will receive extra bonus points (remember: contestants MUST be 5 or 6 years away from 50 years old AND have been REALLY POPULAR in 1995)
and last but not least…..
4) Reading Off of the Teleprompter: Contestants will read a heavily scripted prompt that’s written at a sixth grade reading level, with lots of cliche phrases like – “he’s the king of hip hop” and “she’s really rad!” (and other such phrases used by junior high students from the 1990’s). The contestant who can actually pronounce all the words correctly AND sound like they have an IQ above 4, will gain the most points.
And the BEST part?!?! ABSOLUTELY NO SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Although they may play some Jane’s Addiction and/or No Doubt teasers in and out of commercial breaks….only TIME WILL TELL!)
Gosh, I’m SO EXCITED! Can’t wait! Wonder who will WIN?!? (the prize will be ONE TOUR BUS filled with Estee Lauder’s Snow White foundation – because none of these people use the color of their natural skin tone anyway…and a free day pass to the circus) And so it is! AMEN!