The Church of Tell It Like It Is

Archive for February, 2013

The Vatican Scoop

Yeah, the Pope has HAD it with the papal scene. Just think about it for a second. You’re 80-something, you have to wear ridiculous looking head wear, hold large shepherd-looking, pole-like things in one hand while waving with the other hand, AND burden your hands with multiple-carat gold rings on your elderly fingers. Sheesh! I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it! On top of that, you have to abide by antiquated rules about abortion, marriage, birth control, act like you’re praying all the time, cover up pedophilia and live in Rome. (Don’t know how he’s done it for so long!). Sister Esparanza Mary Rose Theresa, the Vatican Human Resources director phoned me last week to give me a heads-up about the Pope’s departure. Through her Marlboro Red damaged voice (she told me she smokes 4 packs a day) and thick Italian accent, she proceeded to tell me, that during his exit interview, Benedict confided in her that he’s had a lifelong dream of becoming a rapper. He told her, “If I don’t go after my dreams now, it will never happen.” After offering him a cigarette on her smoke break, she informally asked him if he was working on any upcoming tracks. He knowingly winked, and then told her, that from here on out, he wants to be referred to as “Bennie 16” ONLY. Sister Esparanza thinks his current wardrobe will transition nicely into his new rap career. At any rate, I’ll keep praying. Peace and Blessings.


Whew! It’s times like SuperBowl Sunday when I feel so silly about being American. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for team spirit, and rah rah, and all of that, but the level of HYPE that comes along with it is just astounding. Millions of people pack into a dome to watch men who make millions of dollars a year run around a field chasing a ball. At various points they jump on one another (are you still awake?), and then the crowd of people who paid hundreds of dollars to see this all yell and cheer. Then, at Half-Wit (I mean Half Time) we all get entertained by some performer who lip syncs to a medley of top 40 tracks that we’ve all heard already four billion times before during various points throughout daily life. What’s even worse, we have to HEAR ABOUT that performer weeks, if not months before the actual performance, and have the upcoming performance analyzed, scrutinized and psychoanalyzed….JEEZ! When I finally did catch the replay of Beyonce’s performance on YouTube last night, I was so sick of her face, I had to turn it off after a few minutes. Black leather mini-wear, black lace and thigh-highs combined with predictable “we’ve seen this before 3000 times” choreography is NOT something I would ever pay to see. Thank God for YouTube. Thank God Canada’s only a few hours away. Peace out for now. Blessings.

Another Lying White Guy With Substance Abuse Issues

I don’t watch American Idol for various reasons, but mainly because I’ve learned through  reliable sources that what makes it to the air is not what really goes on behind the scenes (No! Gasp!). Although “reality” TV is staged and scripted, this latest bit of information severely exemplifies the power of illusion and the all-too-common STUPIDITY of those among us who inherently believe their own tall tales, and assume the general public, not to mention those who knew the person, is deaf and blind if not entirely brain dead. Note to Matthew Farmer: Overdosing on Pills is NOT surviving an IED attack in IRAQ. Make the distinction because it pisses combat survivors off when you don’t.  PS. If you’re handlers put you up to this as some sort of publicity stunt it SERIOUSLY BACKFIRED.

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